Changeover…..Dos and Don’ts

It goes without saying that changeovers can be difficult.  They can be difficult for everyone involved especially the children.  Changeovers need to be stress-free, conflict-free and safe…….every time. 

The changeover experience can change over time and is different for everyone.  Some parents have positive conversations and catch-ups, others do not speak at all. 

I have developed a simple guide on the dos and don’ts of changeovers.  This is based on professional and personal experience, not only as a co-parent but also as a child of separated parents. 

Here are some tips that can help changeovers run smoothly and safely for everyone, especially the children:

Do……

a.       Acknowledge the other parent and say hello (doesn’t have to be any more than that)

b.       If you do talk at changeover ensure that the discussion is only about the positive aspects of your time with your child(ren) ie, we had a great time at the zoo

c.       Share any joyous news that has happened (awards, achievements, and successes)

d.       Ask the child how their weekend or time was (without quizzing).  ie, How was your weekend? (in a genuine positive tone of voice).

e.       Allow the child to speak about the other parent without putting the other parent down in any way (just let them talk and add positive comments) ie, that’s great to hear you had a great time, sounds like fun!

Don’t…….

f.        Talk about the separation, finances, or any other issues with the other parent, leave those discussions for another time away from the children

g.       Attempt to have any conversations that relate in any way to issues, making changes to schedules, or any other difficulties.

h.       Quiz your child on what has happened or has not happened at the other parent’s house

i.         Put the other parent down

There are times and places to have certain conversations with your co-parent and also children, however, it is vital that that doesn’t happen during the changeover.  No matter how upset, frustrated or angry you might be, you cannot display this at the changeover.  It can be incredibly stressful and traumatic for children to be exposed to conflict at changeover (or any time).  Everyone needs to approach the changeover date and time with trust and assurance that it is going to go smoothly.  No one should be feeling anxious and stressed about how the changeover will go.  There should not be any surprises or confrontations.  Keep it simple, and allow the children to go from one parent to the other with ease and comfort. 

It is acknowledged that these dos and don’ts sound easy. It is also acknowledged that it is not always possible and there may be slip-ups, we are all human and it is tough. However, If you are finding that you are unable to manage emotions at the changeover and the changeovers are consistently turbulent it is strongly encouraged to seek help and assistance and perhaps have someone else do the changeover or use a child contact center until you feel you can implement the dos and don’ts.

Please follow the link to a fantastic co-parenting course called New Ways for Families.  This is a structured parenting skills program to reduce the impact of conflict on children in potentially high-conflict separation. Research shows it helps decrease conflict, stress and abuse while improving outcomes for children, leading to safer, healthier families.